Understanding and Supporting the Bereaved
Living in a retirement village, one will inevitably meet someone who have recently lost a loved one, or certainly in the last few years.
This section covers covers understanding and supporting the bereaved.
May it be helpful for when the time comes to be alongside someone in grief – as well as during one’s own grief whenever such a time arrives.
Understanding the Bereaved
Experiencing the shock of death
A big part of the suffering of grief after a dear one’s death is brought on by shock. As a result, one’s will to live diminishes and an overwhelming feeling of meaninglessness may descend on a bereaved person. Even performing the simplest functions involves a tremendous effort.
Facing, rather than running away from, the turmoil of grief
When grieving, it’s better to face the turmoil of the experience – including all the emotions of anger, betrayal, guilt, sorrow, fear; and the feelings of being overwhelmed, isolated, desolate, and so on. This will enable one to learn from the experience. If a person just tries to let go of all the negative feelings and move on as if nothing had happened, they will not gain much understanding or inner strength – and then suffer from delayed grief later.
Being kind and gentle towards oneself
Being kind to oneself when grieving is to allow as much time as needed to reflect without the pressure of thinking one should be over it sooner or doing better. It’s a matter of just observing what is happening, contemplating, and making aspirations and wishes on behalf of oneself, the loved one, and others.
Keeping light-hearted, but sensitive, company
Family, friends, and even pets can play an important role for someone who is grieving. Unfortunately, many are often attentive around the funeral, and for the first month or so after the death of a loved one. About three months after that – when the death has become more real and the bereaved seem to need more help – it is often when most friends and family have withdrawn.
Appreciating the memory of the deceased
People often feel that the deceased is still with them in a deep and undefined way. They may say something like, ‘They are always in my heart.’ What may be meant is that a person who has died lives on in our hearts as someone still present. One could dismiss this feeling as a mere fancy, but from another perspective it makes complete sense. It reflects a deep and natural intuition about how we are and remain connected to others.
Looking at the meaning of life and death
The death of a loved one, and the grief that follows, tend to bring an urgency to questions about the meaning of life and death. It may even inspire us to try to discover the nature of our being and to find renewed inner strength.
Becoming a transformed person
Through experiencing bereavement, one’s relationship to others and to life may become transformed. Allowing the death of a loved one to deepen and strengthen us inwardly and spiritually is the best way to honour the deceased. Bereavement is also a time when we can feel the underlying suffering of others on their life journey.
Supporting a Bereaved Person
Being supportive and encouraging
The most important thing when being with a person who is suffering grief (or suffering in any way, for that matter) is to be supportive, while encouraging them to find their inner strength and their own way of dealing with it.
Giving the grieving person space to explore what they are experiencing
The grieving person needs to have the space to explore what they are experiencing. What they need from another person is only to be there and listen, and to respond with love and understanding. The bereaved often want to talk in great detail about the illness or accident that caused the death of their loved one, and even about the death itself. Also, they often just want to talk about the deceased and what they meant to them. Simply being with a grieving person and listening to them can help them to find their own response to the situation.
Not bringing in preconceived ideas and expectations
One needs to avoid approaching the situation with preconceived ideas of what the grieving person should be experiencing, and how they should deal with it. The only need is to be open and supportive.
Accepting those who wish to be left alone with their grief
Some people want to be left alone with their grief, and it is important to respect that. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk about things.
Never prodding a person to ‘move on’
Prodding a bereaved person to ‘move on’ or ‘let go’ – before it’s possible or desirable – is insensitive and can be insulting and heartless toward them.
Knowing when professional advice is needed
Though many will be able to find their own way through the often long and difficult grieving process with the help and support of family members and friends, some may benefit from a grief support group or a professional bereavement counsellor, especially after a particularly intense experience of a loved one’s death. A professional counsellor can be called if the grieving person stops caring for themselves or their family, totally isolates themselves, stops eating, or talks of suicide.
Concluding Thought . . .
We can support others who are grieving, even if we don’t understand what they are going through. We can help by just being there and allowing the person to communicate what they are feeling and need – without our saying much or evaluating.
Compiled and written by Alexander Peck (edited by Eva Peck)
Source: The inspiration for and writing of this article is based on Lama Shenpen Hookham’s book, There’s More to Dying than Death: A Buddhist Perspective (Cambridge, UK: Windhorse Publications, 2006), Chapter 10 entitled “Bereavement”.
